Always Alice
by wanderer24
Summary: Maybe that was the secret, she pondered, swinging her feet from a branch twenty feet in the air.  That everyone, everywhere, was slightly mad, and most pretend not to be- because they're afraid they're the only one.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This was intended to be a oneshot, but I'm incapable of writing anything short, so it's a …twoshot? Sure. That. This has spent far, far to long in production, and I think I'm just making it worse obsessing, so here. It's a bit of a mess. Also a little random and possibly rant-ey.**

**Sorry if this makes no sense for a while. There's two bits, really; there's flashback to when she was 10 (which is the entirety of the first chapter), but the story takes place when she's almost 13. This is mostly book-accurate, and in case you were not aware, in the book she was 7 when she visited Wonderland. Could be seen as a sequel-ey thing. Yeah.**

Alice was a precocious child. "Precocious" being the word of choice of her parents' friends and acquaintances, all of whom seemed to be grasping for a word that would not quite lie, but at the same time would not offend anyone. Alice _was_ precocious, but it wasn't that which earned her countless whispers and strange stares. She was a solemn child of twelve now, having left Wonderland for the second time but five years ago.

It felt like a lifetime to Alice.

She'd told her friends of Wonderland with much enthusiasm upon her return, and they had all been duly enthralled. Countless hours of play had been inspired by the odd characters and whimsical world she'd encountered, and Alice would forever look back on those days with longing, wishing to return to a time when imagination was not quite so frowned upon. But no good time can last forever.

As Alice remembered it, the "Wonderland Troubles" as she mentally referred to them, had begun on a sunny, warm day a few Aprils ago, not unlike the day that had begun the whole mess with the rabbit. Alice had been attempting to climb to the top of the sycamore tree near the carriage house when she heard voices like too-sweet sugary candy in a tone she knew all too well.

"_Why Winifred, you look as lovely as ever, and how are your tomato plants coming along this year?"_

"_Goodness, it's no trouble at all, so lovely to have you, how are the children?"_

"_My word, how he's grown! And such a lovely gentleman! Any young lady would be lucky to have him."_

Alice sighed at the indistinct gown-up blabber. It was the false, overly cheery, forced, strained setting that descended on every adult she knew when in social circles. At least the women, at any rate. She had never understood why people were so intent on being looked at as someone else, putting up a fake front. Really, no one knew anyone; sometimes they knew glimpses or secrets, but with everyone pretending to be what they weren't, Alice sometimes wondered if she was the only sane person left.

_But of course, my dear, we're all mad here… _

She recalled the words of the Cheshire Cat, and grinned. No matter how fantastical, she often felt Wonderland was more real to her than her home. Nobody there, no matter how odd, tried to be someone they weren't. Maybe that was the secret, she pondered, swinging her feet from a branch twenty feet in the air. That everyone, everywhere, was slightly mad, and most cover it up because they're afraid they're the only one.

"_Where is Alice? John, be a dear and fetch her from her studies, I believe she's in the library."_

Alice stopped swinging her feet suddenly. Her studies… she had abandoned them rather creatively, her tutor having fallen asleep. Her mother and the staff had been rushing through the hallways all morning, in preparation for the garden party, so Alice had had to find another exit. This entailed opening the squeaky window carefully as not to awake her tutor and shimmying out and down the tree next to it, as the library was on the second floor. She quickly dropped from the tree, scampering towards the back door. Just maybe, she could make it back before-

"_Alice Bradley! Just WHAT do you think you're doing?" _Her mother's voice reverberated_. _Alice winced. Caught. She turned to face her mother, who was both furious and aghast with mortification. Behind her stood six or seven well-dressed middle-aged women with expressions ranging from amused to strongly disapproving.

"_Where ARE your shoes? And why aren't you in the library, studying? Good lord," _Her face wore an expression of utmost horror. _"Whatever did you DO to those stockings?"_

"_I… fell."_

Her mother gave Alice a scathing look before smoothing on her porcelain exterior once again as she turned to her friends. _"I'm dreadfully sorry, ladies, but would you excuse us for a moment?"_

They murmured their equally smooth 'of course's and 'we completely understand's as Alice's mother gripped her firmly by the arm and half-dragged her back into the house.

"_What in God's name were you thinking?" _Her mother asked her patronizingly, searching her face._ "Really, Alice, I can't understand it, I can't. When I was your age, all I wanted was to learn embroidery and how to play the flute. You constantly desert your studies, you disappear every day and you come back looking…" _Mrs. Bradley threw up her hands in a gesture of defeat and exasperation._ "Like this. Honestly Alice, what did you do, Roll down a hill in the woods?" _She plucked a twig out of Alice's hair.

"_Mother, I don't mean to complain, but Mr. Lange is so dull he puts _himself_ to sleep. And I'd so much rather be outside, playing! I don't mean to rip my stockings, really I don't, but they're dreadful, must I wear them?" _Alice's mother bent down to be at eye level with her ten year old daughter.

"_Alice dear."_ She smiled sadly. _"You're nearly eleven years old, Alice. It just isn't proper to run around like a madman with no shoes and ripped stockings, for heaven's sake!"_

"_There's nothing wrong with madmen!"_ Alice retorted indignantly. Her mother sighed.

"_Dearest, I've wanted to talk to you about that for some time. I think it's time to give up Wonderland."_

Alice's first reaction was utter shock.

"_Wh-what?"_ Alice looked at her, flabbergasted_. _

"_Now I don't mean to say you can't play." _She said quickly, _"But this ridiculous nonsense has got to stop. It's not healthy, Alice, to live in a world that doesn't exist, and it simply isn't proper at your age to still play such games." _She said simply, patting her daughter's arm.

"_How-how can I… I can't just give up Wonderland, it doesn't work that way!" _Alice scrambled to pick up words from her shocked mind. What could she possibly mean 'Give up Wonderland?' it wasn't even in her realm of comprehension. _"I couldn't care less what's proper, I want to have fun!" _ She protested, still reeling.

"_I'm sure we can find fun things to do that don't involve such ridiculous over-imagination." _Her mother said gently, straightening up. _"Now why don't you get cleaned up._ _When you're ready, come out to the party, there's someone I want you to meet."_ Alice, still numb from the news, said nothing as her mother retreated back to the well-dressed clones, leaving Alice heavy-hearted.

A half-hour later, Alice rejoined her mother in the garden, pouting. Alice had had no intention of going to the garden party at all, and was considering running away, when her nanny, Henrietta, had found Alice sulking in the hall. She'd been equally horrified by the state of Alice's stockings, and given her a stern talking-to which Alice entirely ignored. Wrangled into clean clothes and even itchier stockings and shoved out the back door despite loud protests, Alice dragged her feet along the path.

"_Alice dear!"_ Her mother wore the fake cheery face that thinly hid her annoyance with Alice's lateness. _ "Come along, there's a boy here to see you."_ She announced. Alice made a gagging face when her mother turned away. Mrs. Bradley took Alice's wrist and led her over to where said boy was whining something about bugs in a high-pitched voice to his mother, a frail-looking woman with a long nose and pinched face.

"_But mother, I cannot sit upon the ground! There's ants! And I even saw a worm! It's filthy!" _He insisted. Alice snorted with stifled laughter, and her mother gave her a warning look. The boy in question appeared to be Alice's age, with curly brown hair and eyes that Alice thought looked quite piggish. His slightly chubby, pale self was encased in an immaculately clean cream-colored suit. The pig-eyes squinted up at her, as he was rather short. _"Who are you?" _His tone was rude, almost accusatory.

Before Alice could respond with something equally rude, her mother cut in cheerily, a tone that was starting to irritate Alice. _"Eustace, this is my daughter Alice. Alice, this is Eustace Henry, Mrs. Henry's son."_ Alice wanted very much to kick her mother's well-isn't-this-just-dandy-and-we're-all-going-to-be-best-friends attitude. _"Now why don't you two go play while us grow-ups have tea? You could play jacks, or maybe hopscotch." _The piggy-eyes frowned and turned to his mother to say something as Alice's mother bent down to hiss in Alice's ear. _"And I do not want a single mention of Wonderland, is that understood?"_

Alice bristled at the memory of the conversation of just a half-hour before that she'd already tried to block out of her mind. She had absolutely no intention of forgetting Wonderland, that much she was certain of. _"Yes, mother."_ She replied meekly, trying to keep the guilt out of her voice. Her mother straightened up, beaming again.

"_Excellent. Now run along you two, and be careful not to get dirty. We'll be near the pavilion if you need us." _Alice stood still as her mother and Mrs. Henry swept away, chattering animatedly about something adultsey, Alice wasn't really listening. With a sigh, she turned reluctantly to face her new "friend." His piggish eyes narrowed calculatingly.

"_My mother told me about you. She said you're strange."_ He said, looking both wary and haughtily superior. Alice pressed her lips into a thin line, imitating her mother.

"_I think 'strange' is a relative term_." Alice said stiffly, attempting to not hate the boy immediately, and finding it difficult. _Now Alice_, she chided herself. _Maybe he's nice_. _Maybe you could be friends._

_Right_, she mentally scoffed, _nice_. _He looks like a pig and acts worse, at least so far_.

_You couldn't even give him a chance? For your mother's sake, at least._

_Absolutely not._

_It couldn't hurt you to be nice once in a while._

_Sure it could._

_For tea's sake, Alice, don't be judgmental!_

It was at this point in her conversation with herself Alice noticed the boy, Eustace, was staring at her queerly, and snapped out of her internal debate.

There was an awkward silence between the children. Finally Alice spoke, attempting to sound friendly. "_If you'd like to play jacks, I have a nice set. My uncle brought them from-"_

"_Jacks is such a juvenile game_." He cut in rudely, wrinkling his nose. Alice ground her teeth together.

"_Very well_." She said, imitating her mother in her forced cheeriness. "_Hopscotch, then_?"

_I thought you- we- weren't going to be nice to him?_

_If I'm not, Mother will chop off my- our- head. Even if he is downright rude._

_Excellent point._

He snorted. "_A horridly degrading waste of time_." The pig examined his fingernails at length, looking alarmed at the tiniest speck of dirt. Alice glanced at the pavilion to see her mother giving her a warning look. Well, what was she supposed to do now? Alice couldn't think of any other games that would fit her mother's criteria of "No Imagination." Not that the pale boy likely possessed any. Then again, rules were made to be broken. A smile flitted across her face, the Cheshire grin she wore only when she thought of Wonderland. She hid it behind her hand when Eustace looked at her again.

"_I really don't know what we should do then_." Alice said with feigned concern as she sat on the bench Mrs. Henry had previously vacated. "_I mean, I can't think of anything else. Oh, wait_." She said, turning her head and pretending to think. Alice saw Eustace raise an eyebrow. "_Well, there's always that one game_," she said, chuckling to herself, "_but that's not something you'd want to play, I'm sure_." She said casually, carefully watching his face out of the corner of her eye. Sure enough, she saw the tiniest hint of curiosity.

"_What game_?" He demanded, not liking the feeling she knew something he didn't. Alice only waved her hand nonchalantly.

"_Oh, nothing, truly; I can't imagine you would be interested_." She yawned a bit, and wondered if she was overdoing it.

"_I demand you tell me_!" He said indignantly, his face flushing a bit. Alice grinned in spite of herself.

"_Oh, very well_." She said leisurely. "_Once there was a strange place called Wonderland…"_

Two hours later, Eustace came dashing out of the trees shrieking like a banshee. Everyone stopped and stared at the boy as he ran for his mother and clung to her skirts. Between strangled whimpers, he squealed out words.

"_Alice…Queen…woods… tried to kill me!... Wonderland…"_ Mrs. Bradley looked positively livid by the word "Wonderland."

The bushes rustled, and out came Alice, wearing a fair amount of dirt and a scowl. She was carrying a thin stick. "_Eustace, I wasn't really going to-_"

"_Alice. Bradley_." Her mother said, ice reverberating from every word. "_Put that stick down. And come inside_." She looked ready to spit fire and Alice truly wouldn't have been terribly surprised is she had, given how absolutely furious she was. Alice fumed. That stupid crybaby, had to go and ruin everything. They'd actually been having fun, despite Eustace's crippling lack of imagination and apparent germophobia. It had taken the better part of an hour and nearly the whole retelling to get him to sit on the ground, and longer still to break his snotty exterior. But Wonderland worked its magic, and by the time Alice was describing (and acting out, all by herself,) her escape from the Queen of Hearts, he was gasping and clapping in all the right places. They hadn't been actually playing for very long, but apparently Alice's portrayal of the Queen was a bit too much for the boy, and he ran off screaming. She sighed as her mother closed the door behind them with a neat click. "_Mother, we were just playing! We were even having fun, he just_-" Mrs. Bradley silenced her daughter with one icy glare.

"_You will go to your room and stay there. There will be no supper_." She said, every word falling from the air as if it was tied to a rock. Alice started to protest, but her mother had simply held up her hand. "I don't want to talk about it."

Alice slunk to her room mostly angry.

**A/N: Le fin du part one. I could technically put it all as one, but I personally am intimidated by huge chapters, so I split it halfway through.**


	2. Chapter 2

Two years later, Alice rubbed her temples in attempt to ward off a headache. She was crouched beneath a large bush, knees digging into the dirt. Alice had stubbornly refused to wear the 'grown-up' dress her mother had bought her, preferring to wear the types of dresses she'd worn for years, a childish shade of blue. She was at yet another garden party, this one, though, was during the blazes of summer, witness to the sweat that dripped down the back of Alice's neck. Alice would be turning thirteen in a month, and had an extremely suspicious view on this party her mother was throwing; quite a few families with young men had been invited, and that was never a good sign. Over the soft swell of chatter that drifted past the leaves, one nasally voice stood out. "Just _awful_, really, look at the way…" She wrinkled her nose in disgust. She would know that voice anywhere; it was Eustace.

"Oh, absolutely! Just _horrendous_, I couldn't agree with you more." Answered a high-pitched, feminine voice, a tad too loud and grating on the ears. Alice rolled her eyes. That particular voice would belong to none other than Hattie Nelson, the snobbiest girl she knew, who fawned over literally every boy. It shouldn't have surprised Alice one bit she was drooling over Eustace; really, the two were quite suited for each other. Craning her neck, she looked through the branches to see the two standing just a few feet away. "Wasn't it here that Alice scared you? Some game, if I remember the story correctly." She giggled. Alice's eyes widened in surprise. Hattie was a near perfect miniature of her mother, her dress was long and full and her face was rouged. Though Hattie was older than Alice by just a month, she was dressed like a fully mature young woman, whereas Alice had insisted upon dressing like her seven-year-old self instead of her seventeen year-old self.

Eustace had been about to say something when the redhead clearly saw someone across the lawn and dashed out of Alice's limited line of vision, shrieking "Beth! Mary! Johanna!" Eustace stood there awkwardly. Alice sighed and returned her attention to daydreaming under the protective cover of the bush, where, hopefully, her mother wouldn't find her and force her to be social.

Alice wasn't sure how long she sat there, tracing random shapes in the dirt with her finger and, as usual, thinking about Wonderland. It was better than thinking about real life, anyway.

"Uhg, haven't you heard? She's so _odd_." Said a young voice, hushed with the excitement of forbidden knowledge, the tone of gossip. Alice froze, and peered over her shoulder. Through the leaves, she could see the four skirts, arranged in a circle in which soft but vicious voices traveled.

"You don't know the half of it!" Scoffed the voice that could only have been Hattie's. "She still plays those childish games. Thinks she's in Wonderland, I tell you she's gone absolutely _mad_. And did you see what she's wearing? For heaven's sake, it's practically indecent. She dresses like a child! It's embarrassing. I know _I_ would be mortified." They giggled, a nasty sound to Alice's ears. She would have left, but moving even the tiniest bit at this point would have been to give away her location, and she most certainly didn't want to give Hattie any more reasons to think she was strange, hiding in the bushes.

"Speaking of which, have you seen Lily's outfit? What _was_ she thinking? Honestly, it's like a baboon sewed it." Another girl chimed. They all laughed like hyenas at this particular gem of wit.

"Shh! Here she comes." One girl hissed. Through the bushes, Alice saw another skirt join the congregation.

"Hello." Said a shy voice Alice didn't know, presumably Lily.

"Lily dear! So lovely to see you!" Gushed Hattie. "We were actually just talking about you."

"You were?" She sounded surprised.

"Of course! We wanted to tell you we just _adore_ your skirt. It's so unique." The other girls chattered their agreement.

"Thank you. My mother sewed it." Lily said quietly, smoothing her lilac dress carefully. A voice called Lily's name from somewhere.

"I have to go." Lily said, again shyly. Alice wondered if she had any other sort of voice besides timid.

The moment she was gone, the four burst into laughter.

"My God, she's an absolute embarrassment! How can her mother let her go out like that?"

"Oh, her parents are even worse, have you seen her mother's hair?" Cackled another. Mercifully, the group moved away slowly, releasing Alice from having to listen to their sickening conversations. She ground her teeth in frustration. The gossip was so petty she could scream. No one in Wonderland mocked you for being who you were, or it was to your face if they did. Speaking of which, here came her mother, looking like a badger Alice had once seen sniffing for food. Alice smiled smugly. She'd sat under this bush often at parties, and no one would ever think to look for her here. She folded her legs, pleased with her hiding spot, and began to hum cheerfully, a song the mock turtle had sung.

"Oh, will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the dance." She sang softly, looking up at the dappled sunlight that streamed through the branches. It was rather nice here; she could barely hear the partygoers now that Hattie and her friends had left. Suddenly, something furry and white caught the corner of her eye. Her heart leapt wildly, and she sat bolt upright and looked about. There was nothing there. She felt her hopes fall. For a moment, she had been nearly certain she'd seen the White Rabbit dash by. How wonderful that would have been, to return to Wonderland. Everyone there felt more like her family than the strange, uptight people here.

"Alice Bradley! You get out here this instant, young lady!" Her mother's disgruntled tone jarred Alice, how on earth had she found her?

"Mother, I already said hello to Eustace and Hattie." (She hadn't, but it seemed as good an excuse as any.) "Couldn't I stay here?"

"Absolutely not. What would the neighbors think, you hiding at your own party!"

"It isn't _my_ party." Alice muttered sullenly, scooting out from underneath the bush. Her mother roughly brushed the dirt from Alice's skirt and led her by the hand to where a prim-looking family stood, chattering softly. Her mother smiled a smile Alice knew all too well.

"Mr. and Mrs. Jameson, how lovely to see you both." She greeted cordially. Mr. Jameson nodded politely and the red-haired woman Alice assumed to be his wife smiled widely. "Such a wonderful party, Emilia. And who might this young lady be? Why, this couldn't possibly be Alice! The last time I saw you, you couldn't even walk yet!" She cooed in the sickeningly cutesy voice adults reserved for children and puppies. Alice could feel her mother screaming at her mentally to _smile, for heaven's sake! _but Alice remained sullen. It didn't deter the redheaded woman. "I hear you're quite the precocious child." She beamed. Alice's mother was quick to jump back in.

"That's our Alice. She has quite the imagination." Her mother laughed. "It had occurred to me, Martha, that William and Alice have never met, and I was thinking perhaps they should make an acquaintance." She suggested. Mrs. Jameson laughed.

"What a splendid idea!" Alice didn't think it sounded so splendid. "William, dear!" She called over her shoulder. A gangly boy a bit older than Alice shyly approached. "Darling, this is Alice, Mrs. Bradley's daughter. Alice, this is my son William." Alice made no move to respond, but the boy stuck out his large hand, and Alice's mother glared daggers at her until she shook it. His palm was sweaty, and Alice tried to discreetly wipe her hand on her pinafore, but judging by the look her mother gave her, she noticed.

"So William, I hear you like astrology?" Alice's mother said chipperly. William began to reply in a monotone voice, but Alice was no longer listening.

Just at the edge of the garden, near where the woods began and the lawn ended, was the white rabbit, tapping his foot impatiently at her. Alice let out a small gasp.

"What was that, dear?" Her mother asked, silently reprimanding her for interrupting the boy's story. Alice didn't care.

"Look there! Do you see it?"

"See what?" Her mother asked, her cheerful smile fading.

"Just there! The rabbit!" Alice gestured wildly, too excited to wonder if other people could even see him.

"Alice, there's no rabbit there." Her mother replied carefully, very aware of the stares her daughter was attracting.

"Don't be silly, he's right over there! With the waistcoat and the pocketwatch!" There was a silence as everyone within hearing range stopped talking and stared at Alice. She frowned. Why didn't they see him? "Well, look! He's just there…" She trailed off; the rabbit was gone again, and she now felt the tens of eyes stuck on her. There was a long and awkward silence. A bird chirped. "He _was_ there." She said a little more quietly. Alice's mother's hand came down like a vice on Alice's arm.

"Would you excuse us for a moment." She said with forced politeness to the Jamesons, who looked mildly surprised, but nodded. Alice found herself dragged off to the kitchen, where her mother turned to her with a cold face. "I think I have made it very clear that you were to stop thinking of these childish fantasies of yours, Alice." She said sharply, her lips pressed into a thin line. Alice shook her head.

"But he was there! I-"

"Alice! For heaven's sake, there is _no such thing_ as Wonderland! I am extremely embarrassed, and your father as well! Now you will go back out there, be polite to the Jamesons, and apologize for your silly delusions." Her mother hissed, her fingers digging into Alice's arm again. "Young lady, is that clear?"

Alice refused to let it go this time. She was _not_ crazy, not in that sense of the word. "Mother, he _was_ there! I'm not imagining things, I promise! The White Rabb-"

"Alice!" Her mother's voice rose several octaves and broke. "For heaven's sake, stop acting like a _child_!"

Alice was very quiet, her eyes beginning to brim with tears.

"Alice, please, don't cry." Her mother hushed, her voice now quiet and soothing. "I only meant-"

"I know what you meant." Alice whispered, her voice barely audible. Her mother reached out to hug her, and Alice twisted out of her reach. The hurt was visible in her mother's eyes, and Alice blinked furiously, trying not to let her tears spill.

Someone was waiting for her.

An inexplicable feeling of knowing took hold of her. There was only one way to end this story. She didn't belong here, and she never would.

"Goodbye, mother."

Alice turned and ran, faster, tears blurring her vision. She ignored entirely the looks of the partygoers, from stunned to disgusted, as she pushed through anyone between her and the forest, where she had last seen the rabbit. She ran and ran, and soon couldn't see the manor behind her. She no longer cared about her tears; and they spilled down her cheeks and ran off her chin, reminding her so much of the time she nearly drowned in them. Alice ran and ran until she collapsed, utterly exhausted.

She curled up on the ground, feeling the dirt and leaves clench in her fingers as she let out her last strangled sobs. Then there was silence. Alice suddenly felt terribly empty, the kind of empty that can only come from crying every possible tear and having none left to shed. She sniffed pathetically, then finally forced herself to sit up.

The white rabbit stood next to her, an apologetic expression on his furry face, paws still clutching his pocketwatch. Whether she was expecting this, or simply had no further emotion left in her, Alice was not surprised to see him there. He wordlessly took out a tiny handkerchief and offered it to her, adjusting his spectacles and tiny red waistcoat.

"Thank you." She said shakily, her throat raw and rough from crying. She carefully took the scrap of fabric and dabbed at her tears with it.

"The worst is over, my dear. Now hurry along, you're late for tea." He said gently, as Alice returned the handkerchief and stood. The rabbit gestured toward the hole, which was somehow right next to him.

Alice managed a smile. The worst was over, and she was going back.

And this time, there would be no return trip.

The darkness swallowed her once more, and the rabbit could hear her laughter echoing up through the tunnel.

Though countless search parties scoured the woods for weeks, Alice Bradley was never seen again. Her mother went nearly mad with grief, and forever told herself over and over the stories of Wonderland she'd gleaned from her daughter, often muttering them even when unaware she was doing so.

She neither hosted nor attended another garden party in her life.

**A/N: Interpret it how you will. I don't even know. I technically could continue it if I wanted to, but I have no idea where it would go, and began this with the intention of stopping here, so yus. I shall. The end! Not a songfic, but there's an excellent song hur: .com/watch?v=XgCS4X3Uzeo that I discovered mid-writing that reminds me of it.**


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